When You're Done Pretending, There Is Only Choice
Sure, if you’re trying to impress your granola friends, you might tell them one thing. I mean, they’re good folks, but they really don’t understand what tastes good. They’re too busy massaging kale with lemon juice to get down to the important business at hand.
And if you’re a titan of industry, rubbing elbows with the Trumps, Cuomos and Rockafellers of the world, you have an image to uphold. You don’t eat what the little people eat, let alone tell people about it. Afterall, you’re too busy grilling fungus to mask the taste of what makes a burger great.
When you strip away the heirs…when you let your eyes feast on the bubbly goodness, as your mouth waters over a 500 degree charcoal-fired grill in the heart of God’s Country…you know that your mouth only deserves but one cheese on your burger, so you make the obvious choice: American Cheese.
Yeah, I’m that guy…you know, the one who actually admits that he bought “Cracked Rear View”, “Fairweather Johnson” AND “Musical Chairs”. The same guy that admits to being one of the billions upon billions to be served at McDonalds (and smiling all the way to the toilet). I’ve got nothing to prove; and no one to impress, so this is an easy post to write. Perhaps, this is the easiest post that I’ve written in then near-14 year history of this very website.
I f*cking love cheeseburgers made with the realest cheese of them all…a cheese that cannot legally be called cheese; but I don’t care about the deats. Call it cheese food, or processed cheese, or whatever negative spin you want to put on it…I’ll call it delicious.
You don’t have to admit to eating it…but you know that you wish you were eating it right now. But if you don’t eat it, I really don’t care, honestly. That will just mean that I get more for my next tasty burger.
This is a tasty burger.
Nothing melts like it, nothing tastes like it…nothing satisfies like it. ‘Murican Cheese, I salute you. Not because it’s trendy, surely not because it’s healthy…but because it makes the best cheeseburger; and it’s not even close to its nearest ‘competition’.
Like most great foods it was patented in America. This one was filed by one of my heroes, James L. Kraft. Some poser claims to have invented it in Switzerland in the early 1910s (supposedly). But when you think about that theory, it doesn’t hold up- what do the Swiss know about dairy foods? Nothing, really. I don’t see their names on my Hershey bar wrapper or my Coffee Mate pump bottle.
At the end of the day, credit doesn’t matter…what does matter is that your double USDA Grade A ground Angus patties deserve two or three slices of real American cheese. Dress it up with a fancy grilled onion, crispy peppered bacon, pickle, catsup and even lettuce and place it on a whole wheat bun. OR do what you really want to do, and slam those juicy 70/30 half-pound twin beasts between Wonder brand buns with a squirt of ketchup and a few pickles and eat it before you’ve located the paper plates.
Don’t you dare apologize for serving yourself first- you were the one standing over those sizzling coals, all by yourself, for the last fifteen minutes. The grease running down your chin and the ginormous smile on your face might give you away, but who really cares? You just ate the freshest, greatest burger in all of the land…check that…on the face of this planet.
THE American Cheese Burger.
