Well, it's Masters time, and I can honestly say if you told me I got to play one major or one course in the country and all I had to do was pick, I'd choose Augusta National. I love this tournament and, by most accounts, it's the best experience out there for players and fans alike. Of course, you have to pass a rigorous morals test to be a part of it.

Well, you have to pass that morals test, unless you're a moneymaking machine like Tiger Woods. Then you can do whatever you want and guys like Billy Payne will actually make some people side with Tiger. Sure his behavior was reprehensible. But when a southern fried fool like Billy Payne gets up there and puts on that big of a haughty display, well, just shut up, Billy. Nobody cares about your moral high ground. You put on a terrific tournament, yes, and it's a beautiful golf course. But without the players, it's just a lot of grass and sand.

Some of Payne's melodramatic nonsense:

"He disappointed all of us. Our kids and our grandkids."

Did he affect your lives? Your kids lives? Your grandkids lives? No, sir, he did not. You're a fool.

"Our hero did not live up to the expectations of the role model we sought for our children."

And whose fault, pray tell, is that? Tiger's? You conjured up mystical "expectations" of a man who never allowed anyone to truly know who he was? We didn't know what a cad he was, but anyone with more than half a cantaloupe for a brain DID know that he was keeping everyone at arm's length. And if you're seeking a role model for your children, here's a wild idea: BE a f-cking role model for your children. Don't be a pontificating, chastising, condescending, hypocrite. If you think Tiger should be punished, why is he allowed to play this week? Oh, right, money.

"His future will never again be measured only by his performance against par but measured by the sincerity of his efforts to change."

Oh, the drama! And this is funny, given that people have asked Augusta to consider "changing" over the years and the response has been a flat "no" every time. Frankly, I bet it's still hard for a black man to gain membership to the club. And we all know women are basically shot on sight. Understand, I don't think a private club has to allow anyone in that they don't want to; that's the right of a private club. But to lecture on changing and being a better role model is a bit hollow coming from a place as proudly exclusive as that douche-haven.

Of course, if any of this pissed you off like it pissed me off, and you find yourself feeling an ounce of sympathy for Tiger as he gets dragged through the mud by a guy who's probably only 2 or 3 generations removed from being a slave-owner, well, just remember that Tiger agreed to let Nike run an ad featuring him and his late father's disembodied voice.

I thought this was all a private matter, Tiger?