"I did what I did because I had to protect my family. You know how it is. A basketball's got to step up and take care of it's own. It's hard out here for a ball. I didn't want to resort to violence, but sometimes that's the only thing people understand."

- Synthetic NBA basketball

NBA commissioner David Stern, in a stunning reversal, has decided to shelve the new microfiber composite basketball after just a few months of use and switch back to the old leather model for all games starting Jan. 1, according to sources close to the situation.

Despite an avalanche of player complaints about the new synthetic model from the first day of training camp in October, skepticism was high among players that Stern would consent to a change during the season. But with a number of prominent players complaining of cuts on their hands caused by the new ball's high-friction cover -- Phoenix's Steve Nash and New Jersey's Jason Kidd among them -- Stern was forced to concede that an in-season swap was unavoidable with the new ball inflicting injuries.

This article makes it sound like the new NBA basketball is that spinning ball of death from the movie Phantasm . It's as if the ball is out there decapitating people for bricking a foul shot. I don't remember hearing Joe Tait proclaim "Here's LeBron at the line. He's 4-6 tonight. He puts this one up and it clanks off the front of the rim. Oh, look at that! The ball just cut his arms off! LeBron's going to need to stitches after that one."

If the new basketball begins to smoke, get away immediately. Seek shelter and cover head.

The new basketball may stick to certain types of skin.

When not in use, the new basketball should be returned to its special container and kept under refrigeration...

Failure to do so relieves the makers of the new basketball, Spalding, and its parent company Global Chemical Unlimited, of any and all liability.

Ingredients of the new basketball include an unknown glowing substance which fell to Earth, presumably from outer space.

The new basketball has been shipped to our troops in Iraq and is also being dropped by our warplanes on Afghanistan.

Do not taunt the new basketball.