Hopeful Danny: Special to Boiled Sports

Special to Boiled Sports

It’s so nice of the guys at Bioled Sport to ask me to join them threwout the football season. I’ve been enjoying myself lately and I appreciate you asking. I miss coaching the guys and the smell of a wet locker room after the showers have been on for 15 or 27 minutes, I won’t lie about that. And that’s maybe the first thing we should talk about because I do know how much you guys all care about what I do all day. I remember as coach people would always ask “What the hell is Coach Hope doing all week?” It’s so nice when people care.

Mrs. Coach and I spend a lot of time doing the nasty, frankly. For those who don’t know, the nasty is the more current term for square dancing. Don’t worry, I didn’t know that either, but Carson Wiggs filled me in on it. That guy knows everything. I can’t wait to watch him kick for the Seattle Sounders this year.

I fish sometimes but honestly, every time I throw the fishing pole into the water, I can never find it again. I called Coach Tiller for some tips but he hasn’t called me back yet. I’m thinking his phone is broken. Last time we talked he said he had heard enough about winning at Michigan and didn’t want to hear the story again. I told it anyway.

Someone else told me that some of the players are on twitter. I don’t really understand because I’m pretty sure Twitter is just a journal for coaches to post their private thoughts. They took mine away when they gave my office to Darrel Hazell.

I’m also excited about this football season thanks for asking. I’m going to watch the Biolermakers on my Zenith and can’t wait to make sure the rabbit ears are working. I asked Morgan if I could keep my headset as well as my spot on the sidelines. He hasn’t gotten back to me yet, but maybe he’s just busy. Or maybe he didn’t like my necktie comments to WLFI, the worldwide leader in three-month-overdue sports news.

I heard people were allowed inside practice and so I immediately sent a letter to Coach Hazell offering my services as a security guard. I don’t know what’s going on, but Darrell seems like a nice guy and he must either must have not had the heart to lock everyone out like I did, or maybe he and his staff were just overrun at the gates. I advised him that priority number 1 should be SECRECY. Nobody should know what you’re doing at practice – not even the coaches or players. Keep everything secret so the enemy doesn’t figure out your game plan. After all, if not even you know the game plan, how could anyone ever find out? Simple, right? Yet brillyant.

Part of keeping your own players off-balance is making sure nobody is clear on the depth chart, game plan or assignments – but always clear on the fact that their coach loves them. Make this clear with frequent huges – the best kind of sneaking up on a guy in the locker room right as he’s putting on his deodorant and giving him a big bear hug. (Tip: Wriggling means they love it.)

Where was I?

I am excited to be a part of Purdue football still and giving my opinions will mean I still get to kind of talk to everyone and I love talking to people. I miss the media and Mike Carmin’s mustache. I won’t lie about that either. In fact, I won’t lie about anything. Except when Mrs. Coach asks me if her butt looks big in those old Purdue football pants.

I look forward to giving you my other thoughts throughout this season. I hope it's the springboard to sitting next to Aaron Andrews on Fox's TV show about college football. Or if they ever did one about mustaches. But Jesse Palmer couldn't be on that one.

God bless Miss USA.